Debbie Downer? Realistic Rhonda?

I just made Realistic Rhonda up. In case you were curious.

Ok so this may be a bit Debbie Downer, and I don't want to create a self-fulfilling prophecy or what not, but I thought I had figured out what the difference between high school and college is. And it's not co-ed bathrooms.*

Anyway, I have always thought that I could do/get pretty much whatever I wanted, just by working hard. I wanted to join a sorority, so I did. I wanted to work on the newspaper, so I applied. I wanted to learn to run, and I stuck with that (although those blisters are killer). I wanted to make friends at college, and finally, as a second-semester junior, I feel that I finally fit in here.

And at the end of my sophomore year of high school, I realized that I wanted to get into a really good college. And that I wanted to improve my grades, so I did, just by studying harder than I ever had before. And I did it. Sure, I didn't get into some good universities, but they accept like .1 percent of applicants. But I did get in here, and not to toot the school's horn or anything, but academically, it's hot shit.

But, I've lately started to think about this difference between high school and college. In high school, working hard = high grades. In college, it's smartness = high grades. I feel like no matter how much effort I put into a story, or how closely I do the reading, I just can't make it work. As if, as if I'm just not smart enough.

Anyway, this lead to major breakdown, which my suitemate Ellen helped me out of. Basically, she said some things that did make a lot of sense. One of which is that it is midterms time and I think I am just beyond stressed thinking about everything that has to be completed before Spring Break.

Sudden thought: Why do I care about grades so much? Yes, I need a good transcript to get into Law School, but I'm not even sure I'd do well there. After all, I really don't think I'm smart enough (evidenced by the fact that I literally understand nothing a professor says until like 5 minutes later). But maybe I just don't want to go? Good grades, show what? Show that I'm smart? That I've worked hard? Both? So what do bad grades show? That I'm stupid and didn't put in enough effort? Basically. Did I burn out after high school? I've never been smart, I am positive of this. I'm just a hard worker. So what am I cut out for in life? I'd like to think that the real world is another high school - that if I put in the hard work, I'll rise to the top. But to the top of what? We've been put in this ridiculous rat race, and I can't shake it. It's all one big contest, even more so than high school. A contest on who can say the more insiteful crap about feminism in Emerson's work (and honestly, who wants to sound that conceited? English majors, pull yours head out of your asses and talk in laymen terms please (I'm only a minor, a self-proclaimed stupid one at that, so I'm allowed to say this)).

I think I know what I like to do. I like working in a group environment (hello, Collegian and Alpha Chi exec!) and I like being creative (this blog). Ok, future solved.

*Well we don't have those. But I was thinking of the fiction Pembroke of 'Boy Meets World'. Anyway.